I realize first of all that I am a big jerk for complaining about this subject but I can't help it, it's all that's on my mind lately. It has been 3 months since my miscarriage and still no pregnancy. I know boo, hoo 3 months. I know of several people close to me who have been trying for years to conceive a baby I have no reason to whine about it. Each night before I close my eyes and drift off to sleep I recount in my head how far-along I would be if my body had let that tiny life grow inside of me. I would have been at 24 weeks. We would be painting a nursery, getting Emma into a big girl bed and referring to it as he or she. Not now. Things have changed. I have taken a few things for granted. I have just assumed that my body would just spring back to baby making shape and I would have no problems. Today at church the talks given were definitely meant for my ears. One woman talked about how her and her husband tried for 5 years to conceive but were unsuccessful so they adopted a special needs boy. Through an anonymous donor they were able to have IVF and had a beautiful little girl who is now 9. She talked about having patience. I admit, I was absent the day Heavenly Father gave out that virtue. I have never been patient. When I want something I hate to wait for it. I need immediate satisfaction or relief. This has been a very tough lesson for me to learn.
I don't want to learn this lesson anymore. Can't I have a free pass this time? It would be so easy for me to just wake up and have what I want. I want a little baby to cuddle and love. I want a little boy to hold close and call my little buddy. I want Emma to be a big sister. I knew that when I took a pregnancy test this month it would be negative. The toughest thing to face is the realization that the time isn't right for us. The second speaker talked about adversity and living in the moment. That's what I've forgotten. This time in my life is an adventure. I have a fantastic daughter who is just becoming her own person. I have a wonderful husband who loves me just the way I am and who promises we will have another baby soon. I have my temple recommend. I have a calling in my ward that somehow motivates me to be there every Sunday to take care of those cute little nursery kids. What I'm lacking is my faith. I once thought that I had faith enough to move mountains, I lost it somewhere. How do I find it? How do I turn my mind from wanting something so bad to finding the thing I need most? Don't get me wrong, I have a testimony of the Gospel and My Savior. I just forgot how to feed my faith in Heavenly Father. I know I can't expect to be blessed unless I do my part as well. For now I plan on starting at the beginning. To say my prayers and teach my daughter how to as well. I have always had a tough time reading my scriptures but maybe I can get a story book to read to Emma and become inspired to read my own. I just need to "try" in other ways to get what I want.
I realize first of all that I am a big jerk for complaining about this subject but I can't help it, it's all that's on my mind lately. It has been 3 months since my miscarriage and still no pregnancy. I know boo, hoo 3 months. I know of several people close to me who have been trying for years to conceive a baby I have no reason to whine about it. Each night before I close my eyes and drift off to sleep I recount in my head how far-along I would be if my body had let that tiny life grow inside of me. I would have been at 24 weeks. We would be painting a nursery, getting Emma into a big girl bed and referring to it as he or she. Not now. Things have changed. I have taken a few things for granted. I have just assumed that my body would just spring back to baby making shape and I would have no problems. Today at church the talks given were definitely meant for my ears. One woman talked about how her and her husband tried for 5 years to conceive but were unsuccessful so they adopted a special needs boy. Through an anonymous donor they were able to have IVF and had a beautiful little girl who is now 9. She talked about having patience. I admit, I was absent the day Heavenly Father gave out that virtue. I have never been patient. When I want something I hate to wait for it. I need immediate satisfaction or relief. This has been a very tough lesson for me to learn.
I don't want to learn this lesson anymore. Can't I have a free pass this time? It would be so easy for me to just wake up and have what I want. I want a little baby to cuddle and love. I want a little boy to hold close and call my little buddy. I want Emma to be a big sister. I knew that when I took a pregnancy test this month it would be negative. The toughest thing to face is the realization that the time isn't right for us. The second speaker talked about adversity and living in the moment. That's what I've forgotten. This time in my life is an adventure. I have a fantastic daughter who is just becoming her own person. I have a wonderful husband who loves me just the way I am and who promises we will have another baby soon. I have my temple recommend. I have a calling in my ward that somehow motivates me to be there every Sunday to take care of those cute little nursery kids. What I'm lacking is my faith. I once thought that I had faith enough to move mountains, I lost it somewhere. How do I find it? How do I turn my mind from wanting something so bad to finding the thing I need most? Don't get me wrong, I have a testimony of the Gospel and My Savior. I just forgot how to feed my faith in Heavenly Father. I know I can't expect to be blessed unless I do my part as well. For now I plan on starting at the beginning. To say my prayers and teach my daughter how to as well. I have always had a tough time reading my scriptures but maybe I can get a story book to read to Emma and become inspired to read my own. I just need to "try" in other ways to get what I want.
2 comments:
Thanks for your post! I needed to hear that too. It IS hard when you want that baby and it seems like you are being picked on or something. I used to get really cynical. Then I realized one time when I was watching Katie's little girl and she was throwing a little fit that I was doing the same thing, throwing a little fit because I wasn't getting what I wanted. I have a lot of blessings. We all need to remember the positive aspects of life. :)
I think it's always the hardest to have patience when it's something you want with every part of your body and heart. Sometimes I have to remember that if I was perched on a tree and could see the end of this maze of life, then I might be a little more understanding of why things happen in the order they do and to whom they do. Perhaps this trial is given to you so you can help others when they struggle with the same things. Nonetheless, hang in there; it's easy for me to say these things, it's another thing for me to apply them to things I stuggle with.
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