Face the Music

As I sit here cuddled on my couch while Emma bug takes a nap I have so much on my mind. A week ago I went to the doctor for my first pregnancy appointment. You see, this pregnancy was totally different than Emma. The worst symptoms I had were fatigue and bloating. I never once had morning sickness, a fact that worried me but I remained optimistic. After the normal how do you feel question and answer period the doctor performed an ultrasound. This is when we got the hardest news I somehow knew was coming. There was no heartbeat and the fetus only measured 5-6 weeks gestation. I was supposed to be 10 weeks. As I got dressed and Colt comforted me as much as he could the doctor came back and we discussed what the next steps were. He asked me if I was positive about my missed period and I was and he said "I'm sorry but it looks like this is going to end in a miscarriage." I have complete faith in my doctor and I know he cares about Colt and I as we've known him for a long time. He sent me down to the lab for blood work and told me to return Thursday for another draw and we would go from there. Thursdays blood work confirmed a miscarriage and I was scheduled for surgery the next day. I sent Emma to be with her grandparents and Colt spent the next 24 hours holding me while I prepared for what was to come. Friday came and went with no complications and I was sent home with pain medication and lots of hugs and condolences. I'm still not sure how I am supposed to feel about the whole thing even a week later. Don't get me wrong I have been through the mourning process and I grieve for that tiny life that never really began but at the same time I somehow knew the time wasn't right. Trying again will be tough for me and I know I'm not the only woman to ever go through this but I still hurt because I never got attached to that little baby. I never heard a heartbeat or felt a kick. I didn't have to bury anyone and I didn't have to say goodbye, for that I am relieved. When the time is right I know that Heavenly father will bless us with another child, one that I can bring home and introduce to their Big sister. Until that time I have to get back to work as a mommy and housewife. I've put all the baby things in the closet to bring out in the future and I have brought out the potty so Emma can start learning to be a big girl. She has helped me heal the most I think. She had no idea what was going on, she just loves me because I'm her mommy. For that I am most grateful. Colt has been such a pillar of strength this week as well, tending to my every need. He has held me as I drown his shirt in tears and has tucked me in bed on the couch when I was sleepy. I am truly blessed and I pray that he knows how much I am in love with him. I am also grateful for my family, without them this week would've been ten times tougher. I promise my next entry will be cheerful.