Answers Wanted

Miss Katie had her tonsils out almost 3 weeks ago. The hope is that removing them will help resolve her obstructive sleep apnea. Grandma BG came to watch Carly and Emma so both Colt and I could go to the hospital with Katelyn. We were at Primary Childrens Hospital around 11am and  she was scheduled to go in at 12:30. We checked in and had all the opre-op done and went to the waiting room. While there I couldn't help but observe other children. There was a boy there who was blind, a boy that was there with a growth/injury near his eye, a few babies were there as well. As the time for Katie to go back got closer my attention was drawn to a young boy and his mother. She was there all alone and her son was quite a handful. He was angry and combative and I tried my best not to stare. At one point I was pushing Katie around in a little car and I knew she was going to throw a fit when I took her out and put it away. I pushed it out to the hall and took her out to which she immediately began to scream and hit herself and me. I brought her in and held her on my lap with her blanket and binky and looked at the lonely struggling momma and said, "I know how you feel".                                      

 I couldn't help but notice her tear up at one especially frustrating moment when her sweet son began to throw another mean fit, hitting her and scratching her. I wanted so much to sit next to her and hold her hand. I wanted to tell her how handsome her boy was and that she was a patient mother. By the time we had begun to talk a little the doctors had come to take us back. The moment escaped me. I thought about her the whole time Katie was in surgery and was a bit disappointed in myself for not encouraging her. I still think of her often when Katie gets angry and hits herself. Katie's surgery went well and her tonsils were indeed big and needed to be removed. I went to recovery and Colt went home to be with the girls. Once Katie was awake enough to go to her overnight room she became a terror. Some say that anesthesia makes kids agitated and mean. It's true. For the next 5 hours my sweet little Katiebug screamed, hit, scratched and kicked both herself and me. It was so hard to keep my composure. I broke down several times because I did everything I could to comfort my girl. Toys, music, cartoons even asking the nurse for a computer keyboard so she could type like she does at home. The only thing that seemed to work was giving her sprite to drink, her pain medicine and finally pretzels. When the nurse came in and saw Katie munching on pretzels with "sharp" edges she told me to be careful and break them into little pieces. I wanted to tell her to shut up and quit coming in because everytime someone came in the room the screaming would start again. 

  

At one point during the night I put Katie in a wagon (for the 3rd time and at 3am) we walked the halls for an hour. We did get some sleep off and on during the night but it wasn't restful. When the nurse came in at 7am to check on us I asked her when the Dr would be in to discharge us and she said we could go when we were ready. I said to her "Get this IV out then, we are ready" 10 Minutes later we were headed home to rest. Once home Katie was so much better. She was whiny as expected but she was happy even occasionally playing with Emma. She had the sweetest raspy voice and we had a lot of crackers and watched WAAY too much Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

Katie's post-op appointment went well. Her Dr says she looks good and is healing nicely. We are still struggling with sleepless nights and the Dr said not to expect any real results for 6 weeks after surgery. Not what I wanted to hear but I am trying to adjust her routine to get better results. During the day Katie is still struggling with hurting herself when she is angry. I am trying my best to re-direct her attention when this happens and I think its helping. I notice that when she has a long afternoon nap she seems to wake up between 2 and 3am. I have since decided to only let her have 30 minute naps and her nightly sleep is slowly increasing. I am hopeful that she can wean off of the medication we have been giving her.

 We have been having good days and bad. Worse nights. I am absolutely exhausted. I have a cold that has settled in my chest and my house is a terrible disaster. I cry at the drop of a hat and yell at a sideways glance. It is getting harder and harder to feel like a sane good mother but I am holding on. I feel terrible for poor Colt. He and I haven't had any time alone since we saw Man of Steel back in June. Our 7th wedding anniversary is on the 20th and we were planning a weekend to Vegas but had to cancel because we have no babysitter for the girls for 4 days. I feel like what I really need is a day all alone to clean the house and have a long hot bath without anyone asking how long I'll be in the tub. There is so much to do around the house and yard. I feel like my list only grows instead of shortens. I feel like there are times when I neglect my girls only feeding them tortilla chips and Hawaiian punch. Sometimes I don't even remember who has had a bath and when. Through all of this frustration, guilt and sadness, I look at my girls and just awe at them. Emma loves school. She is such a good student recently getting 10/10 on her first spelling test. She is constantly singing little songs and spelling what she can. She is beautiful. Katie is frustrating at times but she has come so far. She is walking a little more each day and is talking all the time. She is a funny little miss. My Carly is almost one. I can't believe it. She is trying to walk and loves when we wrestle her big sisters. She is such a good baby, I hate to see her get any bigger but I know it has to happen. I am so blessed and I am afraid I don't recognize that enough. I am grateful for my family and especially my hard working husband. I love my girls and wouldn't trade anything for them, well maybe a full 12 hours of good sleep. :)