Ounces at a Time

It is so strange to think that I had a baby a week ago. When I was released from the hospital I was so happy to be getting back to Emma after being away from her for a week but at the same time I had to leave sweet Katelyn behind. I came home to a clean house homemade cookies and a very happy daughter thanks to my mom. I tried my best to stay rested and not overdo it but it was so hard when I just wanted to pick up where I left off the week before. Sleep that first night home was hard to come by between the physical pain from surgery and the emotional pain. Wednesday was Emma's 3rd birthday. We went to a few stores with my mom and sister and had a nice lunch out and when Colt got home we let her open a present. We had planned a party for family to come on Sunday. Thursday I sent Emma to play at a friends and had my mom take me up to see the baby. When I got there Katelyn looked so cute, the nurses had put a little bow on her head.

I needed to see her that day and she needed me. The nurse assigned to her that day was not one I would choose. I sanitized my hands and put on gloves and gave Katie a hand hug because she was what the nurse called fussy. I held her between my hands and tried to soothe her with quiet words. When I took my hands away she started kicking and grimacing as if she were saying "no mommy come back". I couldn't help but cry. I could tell something was bothering her but I couldn't help her. After a few minutes I watched her heart rate rise and I asked the nurse to check her ventilator tube for mucus. Katelyn is much too small to have the muscles or air to cough so if there is something in her tube it causes a big issue. The nurse finally suctioned her tube and got the mucus out and Katie calmed down almost instantly. I haven't spent a lot of time with her but I knew what she needed, that made me feel so connected to her.


Friday was really tough for me. I cried all day. It felt like I was empty inside and I hurt all over. Thankfully my nieces Claire and Kelly were spending the weekend with my parents and Emma was able to spend the night playing with them. After I dropped her off I parked the car in the garage and sobbed for at least 20 minutes. (don't worry the engine was off) Things got a little bit better when Colt got home from work. He has been great through this whole thing but I could tell he was having just as tough a time as I was. We decided to go upstairs and hold each other. When we first brought Emma home I remember feeling such an overwhelming increase in my love for Colt. I just wanted to hold him close to me and kiss him as much as possible. As we held each other and cried on our bed the feelings came back just as strong. We fell asleep holding on to one another and had a nice relaxing nap. We woke up and Colt helped Chase fix his laptop and I called to check on Katelyn. Good news she was up 2 ounces and all was well with her. I slept pretty good that night.
Saturday we got to sleep in which we both needed. We decided to go to the hospital around 2 so we could be there when they change diapers and do her afternoon routine. We left Emma playing house with her cousins and headed for IMC. After Colt and I scrubbed in we headed back to Katie's unit. We were met by Annica, one of our favorite nurses. The first thing she asked me was "What do you want to do today?" my reply was "That depends on what I can do" to my utter joy she plainly said, "Well let's get you a gown and you can hold her" Oh my goodness! I got tears in my eyes and a hug from hubby. I took off everything from the waist up so she could feel my body heat and Annica told me I had to change Katelyn's diaper first. I cannot even tell you how tiny her bum is. It was almost like changing a doll but I had to be extra careful because of how fragile she is. To complicate things she was poopy so I had to wipe her up, talk about being nervous. Once she was all clean Colt moved the rocking chair close to her bed and I took position ready to cradle my miracle.


They placed Katelyn right between my breasts and had me hold her with my hand and then they piled warm blankets on top of her so she wouldn't get cold. She felt so soft and warm and she is a great snuggler. Colt put his huge finger under her hand and she squeezed it which he loved. I got to cradle her warm little body for an hour. It was amazing to feel her breathe and move ever so slightly against me. When they put her back onto her bed they cleared her ventilator line and put her on her tummy. She held her body temperature really well which is a good sign that I'll be able to hold her again while she is still on the ventilator. When she is able to breathe better on her own I'll be able to hold her more often. It was such a good day and it made up for the rough day before. Katelyn continues to make great progress and is surprising her doctors and nurses. She is most definitely a fighter and wants to grow up in our family. I am so grateful for her and I can't wait to see what our future holds.