Tunnel Vision

This post was written a week after Katelyn was born. It is gloomy but I feel like it's important for me to share the way I was feeling at the time. I am better now thanks to my fabulous doctor and my wonderful Hubby. Katelyn is slowly gaining weight and her lungs, eyes and heart are good. I am hopeful that she will be home by my birthday in 7 weeks.
Grow Katie Grow!!

I feel like I am standing at the entrance to a very long very black tunnel. I can't see anything but a tiny pinhole of light far in front of me. I'm numb and terrified. My heart and my arms ache for something I am told I can't hold or touch. I am exhausted and I hurt all over. I know there are things I must find in this dark place and lessons to learn from my journey here. I am just so scared. How did I get here? Seven months ago Colt and I were on cloud 9 ecstatic about adding another member to our family. I couldn't wait to decorate a nursery and get out clothes I hadn't seen since Emma was first born. My biggest fear right now is that I will never get to bring Katelyn home. I have had nightmares where her tiny heart stops and the NICU staff is unable to resuscitate her. I realize I am not the only mother to go through this type of experience with a premature baby. My heart is not the first broken by empty arms longing to cradle a baby who couldn't wait to come into the world. This is my first experience though. I don't want people to tell me it's okay cry, I have a three year old who is very sensitive. When Emma sees me cry she gets tears in her eyes. I'll ask her why she's crying and she tells me she wants baby Katie to come home. I know it's so I won't cry anymore. I don't even feel like I can pump my breast milk anymore. It is so hard to connect with a humming machine when you know your infant is miles away hooked up to a ventilator. The more I pump the less milk I produce. I know in all this I need to find my light. I need to find my strength. I need to put things in the Lords hands. That scares me. What if I can't handle what Heavenly Father has in store for me? What if I get close to the end of this awful tunnel and someone shuts the door and traps me in? What if I just can't do this? I went to see Katelyn today. I didn't feel good but I was hoping seeing her cute little face would pick my spirits up. I stood by her isolette looking at her so quiet and pink cuddled in her little blankets. Across the unit I heard another baby crying. I lost it. I have only held Katie once. I have never heard her make a sound. I barely touch her because I'm afraid of the equipment helping her breathe. How in the hell am I gonna do this for 8 more weeks? I better start praying for strength. I better start praying for patience my old nemesis to find me and stick. I better spend time at the temple. I want to make it through this. I want to be a stronger mother and person for enduring this. I want to bring my tiny miracle home to meet her big sister. Someday I want to have one more baby. I just have to get through this.